IVF - part 4

And then it was time for the embryo transfer.  Our 3 little eggs turned into 2 little embryos.  I awoke the morning of the transfer feeling nervous, scared, and somewhat dreadful.  I replayed the years of loss and disappointment in my mind and wondered if I actually could go through with it - could I absorb another failure?

I prayed for peace and away we drove to the hospital.  

Once we arrived the embryologist showed us a picture of our embryos.  They received grades of A and B and I was relieved by that.  (I've always been on the honor roll.)   I felt surprisingly emotional looking at them.  These tiny science projects held the potential to elate or devastate. I was looking at what could actually successfully become babies.  It was a bit overwhelming.  

The entire procedure took about 30 minutes start to finish.  I laid on the table and reminded myself to breathe.  I focused on Dr. Ransom's explanation of each step as it happened, and concentrated only on his voice.  At the end, he excitedly told us that it couldn't have gone better.  My uterus looked perfect and the procedure was completely smooth.

I think that's when I actually breathed.  And then my eyes filled with tears - tears of relief, tears of hope, tears of gratitude, and my heart was at peace.  

 

As I've reflected on the events of the past week, the predominant emotion I feel is gratitude.  This specific fertility treatment was the first time I have shared every step of our journey with others.  It has been tender for me to have an enormous outpouring of love and support from my family and dear friends.  I have felt strengthened by their prayers.  I have distilled courage from their words of encouragement. I have felt loved in a unique and humbling way.  I have felt accompanied, and I am grateful.

I don't know what the outcome will be.  I am hopeful but pragmatic.  I do know one thing for sure: I trust in God's plan for me.  He knows me and He knows what is best for my future.

I have no doubt in that.

IVF - part 3

I was feeling hopeful.

Everything looked good at my ultrasound on Friday so the Dr. set Monday morning at 7 AM for the egg retrieval.  I had a big trigger shot in my backside on Saturday evening, and then waited for the exciting day.

Monday morning arrived and we headed to the hospital in the thick darkness.  

The darkness should have been my clue that ominous events were ahead.  That ominous-ness came in the form of an old hag security guard.  She curtly informed me upon our arrival to the hospital that children under 12 were not allowed inside.  

I had my 9-year-old daughter with me.

No one had warned me of this seemingly arbitrary rule.  I had no other arrangements for my Kitty so early in the morning.  I had words with the security guard, told Michael we were forging ahead, and then proceeded to walk past her into the elevator to the surgery floor, ignoring her shouting out that I couldn't take Kitty upstairs.

Poor Michael and my boldness.  He worked it all out with the head security man while I was safely tucked away in a back room under sedation.  Thanks to his calm demeanor, they let Kitty stay. 

So?  How did it go?

Not as I had hoped.  The Dr. only retrieved 3 eggs.  The rest of my follicles - those which looked lovely and promising on ultrasound - were merely empty vessels of disappointment. My ovaries are cruel mistresses.

But...we are forging ahead and hoping for the best.  The Dr. assured me that all is not lost.  He said he'd rather have 3 nice quality eggs than 13 marginal ones.  Thankfully my 3 meager donations looked like nice quality.

Now we wait for a few days while the embryos do some growing.  

Tom Petty was right: the waiting is the hardest part.  

IVF - part 2

It has begun.

IVF is finally in the works.  There was a lot of prep and testing before we could begin but we're into it now.  One of the preliminary tests was to see if my fallopian tubes were open.  They injected saline and watched on the ultrasound to see if it flowed through.  Holy crap that hurt.  Probably the worst pain of my life.  One of my tubes was blocked but we're going to leave it as is and just continue with the IVF.  It would be more pressing if we were trying different fertility treatments but since we've opted for the big guns it won't make a difference.

I went in on day 3 of my cycle for a baseline ultrasound, and began the hormone injections that evening.  I can't say I'm a fan of the shots.  Who is, really?  I make poor Michael do it for me.  The worst part is that the main hormone comes in a pen that clicks down the dosage slowly.  So there I am with a needle in my gut while the pen clicks down 50mg at a time.

It's uncomfortable.  I have a few bruises on my belly. And a few bruises on my inner elbows from the every-other-day blood draws.  I wouldn't call this a good time.

My Dr. has been giving me a calendar of what will happen next every time I go in to see him. Tomorrow will be my final blood draw and ultrasound before egg retrieval.  I'm becoming more nervous with each visit to the Dr.  

But, even with loads of hormones pumping through my bloodstream, I feel pretty darn good.  I had headaches and nausea the first few days, I'm sore and a bit crampy in my gut, and I'm tired.  But I'm not raging with anger or crying at commercials - and I still like my husband.  It's miraculous!

The egg retrieval will happen early next week.  

I sure hope they find some that aren't rotten.

Labor Day

For the past 4 Labor Day weekends, we've gone camping with our dear friends.

Now our dear friends live all the way across the country.  

What to do, what to do?

Kitty had soccer and a birthday party so we opted for a one-nighter in Pigeon Forge.  I wasn't pleased at first because we've been there a hundred million times and I wanted something new. But, given our time constraints, it was the logical choice.

I ended up having a marvelous time.

We went on a MagiQuest adventure where Kitty successfully defeated a dragon.  It was an interactive scavenger hunt with riddles and magic wands.  I went into it with an uppity anti-nerd attitude but I enjoyed it immensely.  Sorry, nerds!  You have a good game going on there.  Dare I admit that I wouldn't mind going back and doing the adventures we didn't have time to complete?  Is this what it feels like to be a nerd?

We also stumbled around in a mirror maze before heading off to pizza.  What a great day!

The next day we ventured out to Parrot Mountain.  I didn't know what to expect because all of their marketing pamphlets are incredibly cheesy.  But, wow!  It was amazing.  We saw all sorts of exotic birds and even had the opportunity to feed and hold some of them.  Kitty held a bird named Zelda. Zelda!  It's her favorite video game. 

The entire place was up in the trees, it had rained the night before, and everything felt very magical. I loved it.  

Man, I gotta slow down before I become a full-fledged nerd.

We finished off the weekend back at home with popcorn and a movie.  It was blissful.

Here's to new Labor Day traditions! 

IVF

If you know me at all, you know that Michael and I have struggled with infertility issues our entire marriage.  That's nearly 20 years if you're counting.  It's been difficult and heartbreaking.

We've done every procedure until our only remaining option was in vitro fertilization - a procedure I never felt like we could responsibly swing financially.  I tried to make peace with only having one child a few years ago.  I was mostly successful, but there was always a nagging in my heart, the dangling fact that we'd never tried IVF.

With our downsize and move to TN, I began to feel like we could responsibly spend the required money to try IVF.  Added to that was the unexpected bonus that IVF in Tennessee is half the cost of what we were quoted in Oregon.  The timing is finally right.

I am not naïve to the fact that I am old now.  I'm also not naïve to the statistics; our odds for success hover around 13%. 

But I have to try.  

I have to be able to look back and know that I absolutely did everything that I could.  I can't have regrets.

As we embark on yet another fertility treatment, I feel different this time around.  For the first 10 years I felt desperate for a child.  For the second 10 years I felt desperate for Kitty to have a sibling.  I don't feel desperate anymore.  Now I feel hopeful.  I'm throwing my Hail Mary pass and seeing where it lands.

I'm still nervous of course. I've had 3 miscarriages and numerous unsuccessful pregnancy attempts.  I'm not eager to add another mark to either of those counts.  But there is peace in my soul.  It's the peace that comes from sincere prayer, and it's the peace that makes anything surmountable.

Even if we aren't successful, I can finally seal up this portion of our lives, move on with confidence that there was nothing left undone, and simply be at peace.  I look forward to that.

So here we go.  Let's see what all this medication does to an old mare like me!