Secrets

Being a stay-at-home Mom has turned me into a lazy slob.  I have completely reinvented myself and sometimes I worry that my newfound habits are unacceptable and weird.  Let me list a few things for you that I only started doing since becoming a parent.

• I think showering is inconvenient.  If I haven’t exercised that day I will occasionally skip the shower all together.  Instead, I wash my face, put on a fresh smear of deodorant and call it good.  If I am going to shower, it may not happen until an hour before Myke is expected home from work.  On these days, I shower just so he doesn’t know I’ve been in pajamas all day. 
• I go into public looking like a homeless person.  I used to judge women who were at the store wearing workout clothes or velour pants.  Why couldn’t they spend a few minutes putting on actual clothes?  I don’t ask that question anymore.  And I don’t give a crap if the other shoppers think I’m gross.
• I look forward to Eva’s naptime like I’m waiting for my lottery winnings to arrive.  I love my daughter, but I love my alone time too.  A lot.  I use the time to do something really productive that I can’t do when she’s awake.  I drink a soda and watch TV.  Without exception.
• I mentally make a list of what I’ve accomplished during the day so I can rattle off to Michael how productive I was while he was at work.  That list usually includes showering as one of my accomplishments.
• I only blow dry and style my hair on Sunday.  Every other day it’s in a ponytail or a braid.  And not a cute ponytail or braid; it’s an I’m-too-lazy-to-comb-my-hair kind of look.  It goes perfectly with my pajama pants.
• I forget to eat breakfast.  By midmorning I’m usually starving but I don’t want to dirty any dishes.  This is when I eat things that don’t require a plate or a bowl: peanuts, string cheese, fruit, beef stew.
• I get distracted a lot.  If I’m doing housework I will start on the living room.  I’ll need to take some of Eva’s things to her bedroom but once I’m in her bedroom, I start to organize her clothes and books.  Then I find something that belongs in the bathroom, so I go into the bathroom and start cleaning up in there.  Then I go into the laundry room and forget why. 

It’s a strange alternate universe.  I’m worried that I will become downright atrocious if we have another child and my habits multiply to accommodate the extra load.  I may never shower again at that point.

(Hey, Mykey – I’m sure glad love is blind.)