Squeeeeze

The last 2 years we’ve had a service auction as a church activity.  Last year I won the 5k training, which turned out to be an enormous blessing and was the impetus for my ability to do the Epic relay.  This year I won homemade donuts.  My priorities have shifted. 

I donated pet sitting as my service.  I envisioned watching a goldfish or a pet rock, certainly not an animal that required actual attention.  I know now that I should have put that in the fine print.

I ended up pet sitting a dog.  A big dog.  Actually, a big, obnoxious puppy.  His name is Sam and he’s a Golden Retriever, Poodle mix.  He’s the typical puppy in that he tried to eat every one of Eva’s toys, he peed on the carpet when he was excited, he dug a hole in our grass, he ran up the street and wouldn’t come back so I had to chase him for at least a hundred miles in the blazing sun, he jumped up on me, he jumped up on Eva, he bit Myke’s hand when he was trying to feed him some meat trimmings, and he humped poor Aika ALL THE TIME.  It was a really fun week.

We ended up having to leave both dogs either in the yard or in the garage because they were very destructive in the house together.  It was hot so we’d leave the garage door open a skosh so they could have some air flow.  Those dogs tried to squeeze out of that tiny opening every day.  It was very entertaining.  I should have invited my neighbors and charged admission.  I tried to tell the canines it wouldn’t work and that they wouldn't be able to get through the space.  I know what I’m talking about.  I have experience trying to squeeze in and out of things.  Mostly pants. 

Here’s how it works when you attempt to squeeze into an area smaller than your mass.  For example, pants.  You get one leg into the pants with little effort, thus confirming your idea that you can actually fit into the trousers, but the second leg is a problem once the fabric has tightened.  You jump and wiggle and squirm while pulling on the poor waistband like it’s taffy until the pants finally inch over the bulk of junk in your trunk.  Even though you are out of breath and beginning to sweat from exertion, you feel like you’ve been successful so you go ahead and make the poor decision to zip the fly and secure the button.  This is where you suck air to fill your lungs to capacity, then hold your breath while the button refuses to make the journey through the button hole, even though you’re pushing so hard on it your fingers are turning purple from the force.  This step in the process has to be repeated multiple times until you are light headed from holding your breath and necrosis has set in on your finger tips.  This step can also be attempted while lying prostrate, allowing gravity to help distribute your giant apron.  However, this option makes it a bit more difficult to maneuver the button since you can no longer see it. 

In the rare event that you actually get the pants buttoned, you can’t participate in any activity that requires moving, sitting, bending, twisting, or breathing.  It’s best just to lie on the couch and watch TV.  When it’s time to remove the trousers, you must engage a partner to pull on the pant legs while you hang onto a stationary object.  Be advised that this carries a high risk of ripping the pants.  Your only other option is to fill the bathtub with acid and sit in it until the fabric dissolves. 

You’re better off throwing the pants away in the beginning and accepting that you’re a chub.

Can you believe those dogs just looked at me and blinked when I gave them all this free and valuable advice?

You can lead a horse to water…

Skills

Some recent Eva.

Playing horse

 

Horse betting

 

Betcha Mom loves this new way to doze

 

Bull-dozing friends

 

Friendly beach bumming

 

Bum scratching

 

Bum scratching?  Michael!

Kids really do learn by example.

Smarter Than You

Before I had a child I knew everything about parenting.  I watched heathen parents doing it all wrong and I judged them.  I had a very specific list of things my child wouldn’t do.  After all, I didn’t want to be a heathen parent. 

Here are the things I vowed would not happen with my child.

My kid WILL NOT:

• Watch TV before the age of 2.
• Drink soda or juice.
• Be formula-fed.
• Bathe fewer than 5 times a week.
• Go out in public with a dirty face or shirt or uncombed hair.
• Eat in the car seat.
• Scream, cry, or throw a horrific fit at the grocery store.
• Ignore my commands.
• Have ten-billion stuffed animals.
• Throw food on the floor during dinner.
• Run in parking lots.

Man.  I was an idiot.

Boring?! BORING?!

A very rude, mildly attractive, freakishly tall person told me that my posts have been boring lately and he’s thinking about not reading anymore and joining a cult instead.  I’ve moved his name on my spreadsheet from the “Friends” column to the “Bastards” column.  His Christmas card this year will include a recommendation list of cults to join.  I’ve already started compiling it.

I recognize I haven’t posted in a while but boring?  That’s harsh.  That stings.  That makes me sound like Ben Stein. 

I’m sorry if nothing exciting has happened lately.  I wasn’t accosted at the post office yesterday by a woman with facial hair and orange fingernails for putting Eva up on the counter while I searched the caverns of my purse for my credit card.  I didn’t think about stabbing her in the eye with my pen.  I’m sorry, but I didn’t curtly respond to her that I could handle it and Eva would run away if I set her down.  I most certainly did not tell her to, “have a nice day” in a very patronizing tone.  I’m sorry I never see anything abnormal when I’m out in public.  I didn't walk into the Y behind a woman wearing a dress with the hairiest legs I’ve ever seen on a woman.  I did not think for a moment that I was having a Big Foot sighting and attempt to inform the media.   I’m sorry she was going swimming and I didn’t wonder how she was going to maneuver the water with that much drag.  I guess I’m just on a down swing of excitement right now.

I suppose I’m offended/hurt/seeking counseling for the boring comment because I have exactly two talents; cooking and being witty.  And being witty while I’m cooking.  I can’t be witty and boring at the same time, so which is it?

I think I know the answer.

AJ is a bastard.

Idaho

I had a great time visiting my family.  It’s always nice to be home.  Now that I’ve experienced mild weather, I don’t want to live in Idaho, but I do wish my family would move close to me.  No one is taking the bait.

The weather was hot.  It was perfect for swimming and sweating.  I felt like I needed to burn my clothes once I returned home.  I spent a lot of time sweating.  Thankfully my parents have central air.  A few highlights:

Firekracker 5k on the 4th of July.  I ran it with my favorite attorney, Michael.  We became friends in 9th grade when he let me cheat off of his Geometry homework.  (I still blame him for not knowing Geometry.)  We’ve experienced a lot together and he’s one of the constants in my life.  He’s a feisty S.O.B. and I love him dearly.   

We forgot to get our picture taken before the race so this is a selfie in front of my sister’s house once we finished.  It was a fun time.  We averaged a nice pace and had a great conversation during the run.  I was sad it was only 3 miles because I wanted to keep chatting.  There’s something really nice about being with old friends.  It’s comforting.   

After the race we stayed for the parade.  It was really hot, people kept standing in front of us, and the candy was crap.  I had a great time anyway. 

So did Eva.

My sister, Chris has a cotton candy machine.  It’s been a weird obsession of hers for a long time.  In a grand, romantic act, her husband bought her one.  Now he regrets it.  But I sure don’t!

 

 

I was pretty sick of cotton candy by the time I left.                                    

 

We made the journey to Lava Hot Springs, the best swimming establishment in all of Southeast Idaho.  I spent the day eating and bossing kids around.  Pretty much my ideal day.  They had a new kiddie section this year that Eva loved.  She must have gone down the slide a hundred times.  Thankfully it was indoors and the water was heated so I didn’t mind standing there.

This might seem weird but I like sitting on Chris.  I used to sit on her lap during Drama class in high school.  It was way better than a chair.  Still is.

My dad had friends visiting from Norway so we went to Yellowstone.  It was hot and a bit crowded but we saw a lot of animals and had a great time.  We went on a little nature hike at the Yellowstone Grand Canyon and it started pouring rain.  Before we went my dad offered umbrellas when he saw the clouds rolling in but we all told him it was a dumb idea because it was so hot and sunny.  Turns out you should always listen to your father.

 

We had a fire in the backyard of my parents’ house where I gorged myself on a million S’mores.  I have an obsession with S’mores and eat them until I’m sick.  They are one of life’s wonderful pleasures.

And then a BBQ at Chris’ house where Eva discovered the neighbor’s sprinkler.

My sister, Camilla did a Triathlon while we were there.  It was a lot of fun to watch and cheer her on but I would never do that sport.  Mostly because I swim like a horse and have a dislike for bicycles other than my cruiser.  She did a magnificent job and I was really impressed with her athleticism.  I do not appreciate, however, that I went running with her a few times and she made me increase my pace. 

And then it was time to drive home.  I filled my car with lots of gems; a case of Head Country BBQ sauce, a table and chairs for Eva that my mom restored, (it belonged to my dad when he was a child), treasures from my Grandpa’s house, and my niece.  I was so grateful she was with me.  She handed me fries while I drove, took care of Eva, and told me secrets about her brothers.  It was awesome!

                                            This is at a gas station in Pendleton.                        

This is my niece.  She’s only 12 but excellent company.

Sigh.  I wish I could have stayed all summer.  It was hard to come home. 

Year in Review

Fine.  I admit it.  I'm a procrastinator.  I put off until tomorrow anything that doesn't incur a late fee.  I've always been this way and I'm too much of an old dog to want to change.  I view it as more of a quirk, not a flaw.  It's the same when I criticize others, gossip, get mad at Michael, and hold a grudge.  I'm just a quirky gal.

I tell you this to explain my lack of posting recently.  Now you understand and you'll stop cursing me.

So the past few weeks have felt like a dream.  I was in Idaho for a while, had my niece at my house for a week, and bid farewell to my closest friend in Oregon as she moved to Virginia.  It's weird how quickly July has run out and how many different emotions have been twirling around me.  

I want to tell you about my fabulous trip home and how much fun I had with my 12 year-old niece.  I want to share my feelings about saying goodbye to the friend who sustained me my first year in Oregon away from family.  I have cool pictures you'll want to see.  I've made a decision about my weight loss that I think you'll be interested to hear.  I might even make you laugh a little.

How about I tell you all about it tomorrow.

  

Still Breathing

Don’t worry.  I haven’t forgotten about you.