Gross, Gross, Gross

With the introduction of Kindergarten into our lives, came the introduction of 17 bazillion new germs and viruses.

Kitty has been sick a lot this year.

Our latest dance with parasites included vomiting.  I hate vomit.  Seeing or smelling vomit makes me vomit.  I can't deal with it.

Kitty threw up early in the morning but, thankfully, Michael was home and took care of it.  He tenderly cleaned her up and put her disease-ridden pillow and bedding into the laundry room.  One problem -  he didn't actually wash any of it; he just stacked it on top of the other dirty clothes on the floor.  Days later - directly after eating lunch - I naively opened the door to the laundry room and nearly died from the wafting puke stench.

He gets one good mark for taking care of our daughter, and one demerit for not putting the stinky mess into the washing machine.

Poor Kitty puked a few times that day.  I was giving her grape juice to at least try to keep her hydrated, but she couldn't keep it down.

She would puke and I would keep the bucket as far from my gaze and olfactory organs as possible while I emptied it.  After one incident, I was holding the bucket-o-vomit at arm's length when Kitty exclaimed, "Look at it.  You'll like it."  Then in a singsong voice added, "It's purrr-ple!"

Yes, purple is my favorite color, but I DON'T WANT TO ADMIRE YOUR PURPLE PUKE.

I hate Kindergarten germs.

Dancing Kitty

Our sweet Kitty was recently invited to take a ballet exam administered by the Royal Academy of Dance.  My sister accuses me quite often of being an uncultured swine - mostly because I don't share her obsession with Diet Dr. Pepper.  I always ignore her insults.  However, in the world of ballet, I think she might be right.  I really am an uncultured swine.  I don't know anything about anything.  Heck, I barely even know how to put my daughter's hair into a bun every week for class.

So...when Kitty was presented with this chance, her swine mother thought, "Nah...oink oink.  It costs a hundred bucks. Oink oink."

Her less-swiney father thought, "Wow!  We should give our daughter every opportunity to succeed."

Uncultured swine loses again.

Even after we told Kitty that she would have to practice her routine EVERY night and not complain about it, she wanted to take the exam.  We even told her it would be challenging.  Her smooth response was, "I like a challenge."

Good girl.

Kitty practiced every night for weeks, without fail and without complaining.  Then the day of the exam arrived.  We weren't allowed to watch - I just dropped her at the door and came back 2 hours later.  I bought her a surprise while I was out killing time.

She was in good spirits after the exam and said she felt like she did a good job.

So we went to pizza to celebrate.

Then we went home so she could have her surprise.  Kitty named the unicorn Majesty.

Weeks later, we finally received the results of her exam.  The suspense of waiting for the scores nearly gave Michael an ulcer.  It nearly made me stuff a sock in his mouth so he couldn't keep asking about it.

So how did Kitty do?  Well, first you have to know how the scoring works.  Being an uncultured swine, I had no idea.  Let me enlighten you.

"Dancers are given scores in various areas such as timing, musicality, alignment, etc. Points are added together for a total out of 100.  Grades are as follows: 

75-100 points = Distinction (gold)
55-74 points = Merit (silver)
40-54 points = Pass (bronze) 
39-0 points = Standard not met

While scores are based on a 100 point system, candidates are scored very differently from standard academic grades—e.g. a score of 77 at school may result in a “C” but for a ballet exam, a 77 is a very good score and considered a Distinction—scores in the 90's are almost unheard of."

Feeling smart now?  Here is Kitty's score:

Squeal!  I am so proud of her!  She worked hard and was successful.

Good thing her swine mother let her take the exam.

Hooray for Kitty!

Second Spring Break

I don't want to brag or anything but...I had TWO Spring Breaks this year.  After my first Spring Break ended, another one of my sisters drove a great distance to come see me.

Yes, I'm that much fun to be around.

My second adventure was with my teenage niece and nephews who have been coming to my house for Spring Break for years.  Except last year when they went to see their Grandparents in Colorado.

Whatever.

But I sincerely love it when people come to visit me.  I love laughing and eating too much.  I love the extra noise and farting.  I especially love the love I feel for them.  I was extremely happy to have two separate weeks to enjoy all the extras.

So!  My second Spring Break started in Astoria.  We bummed around looking at historical sights and took in a really cool Maritime museum.  It was an impressive museum - especially the infrared camera that we used to see how warm our crotches were.  We're classy like that.  We also went for a hike and saw an old lighthouse.  It was a fun day of exploring and eating jelly beans.

Once back at home, we did the usual routine of eating tons of popcorn and laughing.  We did go for a nature walk but it was a beautiful Saturday during Spring Break and about half the population of the world was blocking the trail with strollers and obliviousness.  But we still mostly had a good time.

Thankfully, we had plenty of time to eat.  Like homemade waffle cones and crepes, of course.

We also managed to get into a verbal altercation with a most unpleasant front desk attendant at the YMCA.  She insisted my nephew needed a background check to lift weights with me and I insisted she was an idiot.  Naturally, I was right and had no choice but to cancel my membership to the YMCA. I don't tolerate idiotic behavior - except the funny kind.

Unfortunately, the days passed by at a cruel pace and then Spring Break was over.

Sigh.  Next year that big teenage nephew of mine will be off at college.  He's our chief fart-and-joke-cracker so Spring Break won't be as funny or smelly without him.  It's too sad to even think about.

Hurry!  Someone come visit me right now and take my mind off of it.

Please?  I'll make you green Shepherd's Pie!

First Spring Break

Once upon a time, in a long ago month called March, my sister and mom drove a great distance to spend Spring Break with me.

It was wonderful.

We had a truckload of fun.

I was sad when they drove a great distance home again.

But I entertained them real-real-good while they were here.

Just look:

I took them for a walk up to the high school near my house where my niece found a disgusting snake.

I also made my sissy pull my ancient dog in the wagon after his legs gave out.

But after she finished that chore, I took them to the beach where someone was pummeled by a sneaky wave.

But we ate lots of yummy snacks and found about a billion shells.

We even climbed to the top of an enormous sand dune, where the wind blew little grains of misery into our eyes.  But the view was gorgeous.  (I think.  My eyes were full of sand so what do I know.)

They seemed to still be enjoying my company, so I bought them pizza from my favorite little shop.

And then we took a hike to see  waterfalls.  I even let my nephew wear a CamelBak full of lemonade so he'd have to urinate multiple times during our adventure.

We headed to Trader Joe's for some grocery-store shenanigans and peanut butter cups.

And can you believe that they were still enjoying my company?  So we went swimming and rock climbing at the Kroc center to celebrate.

Heck, I even made them a green Shepherd's Pie for St. Patty's day.

We also hung out and played with toys.  And we definitely ate Uncle Myke's famous popcorn while playing Fibbage every night.

Wow!  We sure did have a wonderful Spring Break.  I'm sure my sister will want to drive a great distance to come see me again sometime.  I'm positive she will.

Please?  I made you green Shepherd's Pie!

Numero Five-o

My daughter lost her 5th tooth recently.  Soon my daughter will have no teeth left to lose. That will be a sad day, but it will also be a very good day for my pocketbook.  I mean...the Tooth Fairy's pocketbook.

It was a biggie this time - a front tooth!

Eva carefully crafted her request to the Fairy of the Night.  (Hmmm...maybe that's not a good nickname for the Tooth Fairy.)  I'll work on that.

 In case you're wondering why my daughter was biting my sweater, let me explain.  I DON'T KNOW! She's been on a kick recently where she bites my clothes and thrashes around like a dog with a rag doll.  I don't get it and I don't like it.  Hence, my 'yanking' of the sweater from her jaws.

Of course, my little princess went ahead and asked for Zotz - only the most impossible candy to find unless you live near a quaint drugstore in small-town Idaho.  Which I don't.  Hence, the Cuspid Collector had to improvise. (Hmmm...maybe that's not a good nickname either.)

Kitty didn't seem to mind that she didn't get the Zotz.  After all, she scored 7 quarters! Later that afternoon I told Kitty we could spend her wealth at the quarter machines in the mall.  First, I had to quickly help someone move.  Well, that quickly turned into a 3 hour project.  Kitty was very patient even though she was dying to spend her loot.  One of the guys helping with the move was impressed with Kitty's tolerance and gave her 6 more quarters to add to her stash.  My kitty was able to spend 13 quarters on the machines in the mall. 13!

I didn't tell her that she spent $3.25 on approximately 80¢ worth of candy.  I'm just happy Kitty felt like she hit the jackpot. 

That Weirdo with Wings sure knows how to make a kid happy.

Hmmm...now that's a nickname.

Report Card

Eva received her 2nd term report card a few weeks ago.  On a scoring scale of 1-4, she scored 3’s and 4’s in every category.  We didn’t have to go to parent teacher conference because her teacher had nothing to talk to us about.  I’m sure it would have just been an embarrassing brag session.  Mrs. Nielsen sent home her evaluation on paper instead of in person.  Here she be:

I feel like a responsible parent would feel obligated to tell their yakker to be quiet during class time.

I feel no such obligation.

Given that she is the product of 2 awkwardly-quiet parents, I’m relieved she’s social. 

Plus, I’m not a responsible parent.

Animal Clinic

I have a new job! 

I am now working at an animal hospital.  From home.  I’m not really interested in this field and I’m not fond of sick animals, but here I am.

I have strict orders from my boss on how to care for the animals in our hospital.  I currently have 2 patients in my care; it’s going well so far.

Tiffany the otter is sick with a cold.  Her symptoms include coughing, sneezing, and weakness.  She also has a fever of 190°!  I’m tenderly wiping her nose and rubbing her back when she coughs.

Fantasia the rainbow-unicorn-kitty had a most unfortunate accident.  She fell out of an airplane and landed on train tracks.  Then a train came and ran over her paw!  I tenderly wrapped her paw with a bandage and I’m comforting her when the pain is unbearable.

Boy, this is a tough job.

My boss will be home from Kindergarten this afternoon.  I sure hope she approves of my work.