I was assaulted at the YMCA yesterday in a very terrible way. I was about to drop Eva off at Child Watch so I could workout when I noticed her shorts were wet. I didn’t want to be one of those parents who leaves a dirty diaper for someone else to change so I ducked into the family locker room to slap a clean diaper on her. I’m going about my business, pointing out the aquatic animals on the wall mural to Eva, when out walks a naked man from the showers. A naked, old man. And I mean old, like wrinkled skin hanging so low from his knees I was surprised he didn’t trip on it.
He had a towel covering his giblets but the moon was full and bright. He had the towel wedged beneath his chin and was fiddling with shampoo and a loofah in his hands as he waltzed by. Here’s an idea: wrap the towel securely around your body, fasten it with duct tape, a safety pin, your hand, anything to hold it in place, get your toiletries in order and then exit the shower. The fire alarm wasn’t sounding, there was no tornado warning, we weren’t instructed to quickly exit the building, the guy had time to properly fortify his nethers before assaulting an innocent bystander with his Day-Glo bum. He obviously hasn’t seen his backside or he wouldn’t have thought holding the towel only out front was sufficient.
If I was a pervert, I could have locked in on a juicy side view of his frontal bits. I, however, am not a pervert so I did not do this. I learned as a child the proper way to peep at male genitalia; by gawking at photos in an old anatomy and physiology textbook my parents saved from college. This is also how I learned about Elephantiasis, skin boils, and birth defects. Had my locker room compadre had his identity obscured by a large, black censor bar over his eyes like the textbook pictures, I would have been more comfortable peeking at his man parts.
I tried to act like I wasn’t creeped out but I’m sure my face said differently. I couldn’t erase the horror from my eyes.
And? Eva’s diaper wasn’t even wet. She had just spilled water on her shorts.
I’m glad I could have my retinas burned for nothing.
SICK!!!!
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