Suspicious

I flew home from my sister’s house last night.  I’ve flown with Eva numerous times and we’ve always sailed through security.  Yesterday, the woman said she needed to swab my hands.  The swab tested positive.  I’m still not sure what it tested positive for.  They must be testing for traces of urine, poo, or snot because those are the only things I dabble in.  The failed swab turned into a complete search of all my belongings and a pat down.  I wasn’t even allowed to touch Eva until I had been cleared of any inappropriate and unpatriotic activities.

I had packed Eva’s diaper bag with the skill of a ninja; if ninjas are really good at Tetris.  I saw the guy behind the little partition taking EVERYTHING out of the diaper bag and I instantly knew he wouldn’t be able to put it back properly.  So while the TSA people were having fun grabbing things out of the bag and tossing them over their shoulders, my pat down began.

The lady asked me if I wanted a private pat down.  No.  No, I did not.  I wanted everyone in the airport to see how ridiculous TSA looked accosting a striking woman traveling alone with a young, beautiful child.  I have to say, my patter-downer did a very thorough job.  I also have to say that I enjoyed it a little since I had been sleeping alone for the past ten days.

Let me end your suspense: they deemed me innocent and handed my bags back with stuff spilling out the tops and a disclaimer that they hadn’t ruined anything.  Except my day.  Then the TSA woman asked, “Did you put lotion on recently?”  I had indeed.  In the car.  My hands were feeling chapped.  It was a delicious scent that another sister gave me.  I told her I had put some on moments before the confrontation.  She counseled, “Well, don’t do that again.  It’s probably what the machine detected.”

Are you kidding me?  What exactly are you swabbing for if lotion fails?  And if you know that lotion sets it off, how often are you groping people and dismembering their belongings because they sought relief from dry skin?  Ridiculous.

The woman did say during my pat down that I didn’t look like I had birthed a child.  Why, thank you.  I will take the compliment but I will still be indignant that you thought I was suspicious.

Thanks for the lotion, Chris.