Dear Eva,
Will you please stop throwing fits when you don’t get your way; especially at Costco? I get really embarrassed when everyone stares at me with judging eyes. Also, no one can see how cute you are when you’re flopped back wailing like a walrus. I understand you like almonds, but the checkout line is not the place to crack into them.
I’d also prefer it if you wouldn’t hold your poo for a clean diaper. Every time you soil a fresh diaper, that’s 25¢ of hard-earned money that could be better spent on candy bars or dirty magazines. I really don’t think you need fresh linens to do your business. We aren’t royalty.
Finally, could you keep your hands off my cellular telephone? I don’t need you to purchase tickets to a Christian rock concert, link my contacts, delete emails, send voice notes to my friends, or otherwise completely mess with my phone settings. I have your father for that.
Sincerely,
Your Darling Mother
(Think it will work?)
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