IVF the Finale

Well...after a blood draw, I had a confirmed pregnancy on Monday.  I was shocked!  I also felt slightly relieved but still very apprehensive about what the week would bring.  I have been in this situation before with unpleasant outcomes.

So I cautiously waited.

On Wednesday, my hCG levels had doubled.  Whew.  I was swept with another wave of relief, followed immediately by caution about getting excited.

Today I had my final blood draw.  I woke up feeling ominous.  I couldn't lose the feeling that something was amiss.  I've crawled through this tunnel so many times that I can no longer tell what's reality and what's past trauma creeping in.  I spent the morning uneasy as I waited for my phone to ring.

And then it did.  

The voice on the other end seemed hesitant and didn't blurt out my numbers right away.  The dread began to sweep through my chest.  And then I heard it: my hCG levels were slightly more than double of Wednesday's result.  Everything looks good.  

I feel like I've been holding my breath for weeks.  Today I feel like I can breathe a little.

But just a little.  I still can't let myself become too excited. I can't open my heart all the way just yet.  The fear of devastation is too overwhelming.  But - in this tangle of emotions, I do feel gratitude.  The odds of IVF working the first time, at my age, with only 2 embryos, are slim.  Thankfully, God doesn't operate on statistics.  He operates on matchless and miraculous power, and He's used that power for me.  I am humbled and grateful.

About 7 years ago, Michael gave me a blessing when I was struggling to understand God's will for me. In that blessing, he said that I would indeed have another baby when the time was right.  I have held on to those words with faith and hope.  Perhaps that time is now.  

Let's hope so.  Otherwise, Michael 3D printed this sign for nothin'.