IVF - part 4

And then it was time for the embryo transfer.  Our 3 little eggs turned into 2 little embryos.  I awoke the morning of the transfer feeling nervous, scared, and somewhat dreadful.  I replayed the years of loss and disappointment in my mind and wondered if I actually could go through with it - could I absorb another failure?

I prayed for peace and away we drove to the hospital.  

Once we arrived the embryologist showed us a picture of our embryos.  They received grades of A and B and I was relieved by that.  (I've always been on the honor roll.)   I felt surprisingly emotional looking at them.  These tiny science projects held the potential to elate or devastate. I was looking at what could actually successfully become babies.  It was a bit overwhelming.  

The entire procedure took about 30 minutes start to finish.  I laid on the table and reminded myself to breathe.  I focused on Dr. Ransom's explanation of each step as it happened, and concentrated only on his voice.  At the end, he excitedly told us that it couldn't have gone better.  My uterus looked perfect and the procedure was completely smooth.

I think that's when I actually breathed.  And then my eyes filled with tears - tears of relief, tears of hope, tears of gratitude, and my heart was at peace.  

 

As I've reflected on the events of the past week, the predominant emotion I feel is gratitude.  This specific fertility treatment was the first time I have shared every step of our journey with others.  It has been tender for me to have an enormous outpouring of love and support from my family and dear friends.  I have felt strengthened by their prayers.  I have distilled courage from their words of encouragement. I have felt loved in a unique and humbling way.  I have felt accompanied, and I am grateful.

I don't know what the outcome will be.  I am hopeful but pragmatic.  I do know one thing for sure: I trust in God's plan for me.  He knows me and He knows what is best for my future.

I have no doubt in that.